Popular belief says the phrase originated in ancient Rome: as a Roman general was parading through the streets during a victory triumph, standing behind him was his slave, tasked with reminding the general that, although at his peak today, tomorrow he could fall, or — more likely — be brought down. The servant is thought to have conveyed this with the warning, “Memento mori”.

This is a confession of sorts. Lately my brain’s been rather macabre. I wouldn’t need that slave, thank-you-very-much, the little voice in my head does its job rather well.

In the last seven weeks I graduated from grad school. Saw my thesis project gain traction and get shared widely. I spent timing getting plastered in nightclubs in Seoul, soaking in the sun on beaches in Thailand, and devouring pho noodles on streets sides in Vietnam. It all ought to have felt great, like a victory parade.

And all the way through, maybe every hour or two, my thoughts would circle back to, “You will die. This moment will die. Time is irreversible.” Like a macabre version of that stupid Lonely Island song. Instead of “I’m the boss” it is “you’re destined to die” over and over again. Repeated ad nauseum.

What’s that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to work harder? Achieve more? Work less? Enjoy the moment? Should I call my parents? Try to meet a nice girl? Join a monastery? Experiment with drugs?

How am I supposed to respond?

I think my response used to be carpe diem. Remember you will die, so seize the day, right? Go do something useful. Recently though, I’ve grown uncomfortable with it. Doing more often feels like vanity. Doing less for the sake of doing less, however, feels just as silly.

So I’m groping my way towards a new rejoinder - my head is getting there, but my heart is slow to follow. I think it’s not about working or not working or achievement or zen - but to just be grateful. Be grateful for the work, and the lack of work. Be grateful for company, and for solitude. Perhaps a better way to put it is to be mindful, and thankful in that mindfulness.

And that’s what I am going to try. When I remember that I will die, be thankful that I get to be alive.